The Day I Decided to Stop Caring

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Today was the day it happened.  As the sun comes up in the morning none of us can foresee what shape the day will take.  We all have our plans as to how we hope the day will pan out and what we hope to achieve yet none of us have actually any clue as to what will happen in the course of any given day.  At one point today I found myself saying that which I never anticipated myself saying: I shall not care anymore.

I’ve had enough of it.  I’m only human after all.  Showing unconditional acts of kindness to others, wearing your heart on your sleeve, being honest, trusting people, seeing the best in others, listening, offering constructive advice, going the extra mile for others, giving them the benefit of the doubt and generally just actually giving a damn for those around you.  What’s the point of it all?  Why should I go out of my way for others?  It’s a bit of a tell tale sign when there are those for whom You are the one who has to be the first to make contact with them.  I have decided to stop caring.  After all, is it worth it?  Is it worth the heartache and the humiliation?  Is it worth the actual pain of caring for another…because after all if you genuinely care for someone else, then this will cost you.  It will be painful.  So is it worth it?

Funny enough, try as I might I just can’t do it.  I’ve failed.  I have tried consciously to not care for others and yet myself just will not allow me to do so.  It is simply in my nature to.  This is what I do: I will show You unconditional acts of kindness, I wear my heart on my sleeve, I am honest, I trust You, I see the best in You, I will listen to You, I offer advice to You,  I will go the extra mile for You, I will give you the benefit of the doubt and I will give a damn about You.  I will check in with you to see how You are.  I will care for You.

But what You will not see is that this will in fact cause me pain.  It will cause me pain because to see You smile I will have had to sacrifice something of myself.  Why do I do it?  Because You are worth it.  I have tried to not care about You and my heart won’t let me.  So what am I left with?  I don’t know if it’s a good thing or a bad thing…I just know that it is and that is all there is to it.  I care about You.  Whoever You are.  Whoever is reading this please know that I care about You.

Perhaps I am a failure.  To some people to care about others is a sign of weakness or being ‘soft’.   Not so with me.  To care for other people is all I know.  My heart is on the line…please be careful with it.

Sonnet 18

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